How nice — to feel nothing, and still get full credit for being alive

Once upon a time…….

For several years I’ve been medically battling depression but for much longer it was just me and my brain in a duel, lunging and riposting before my brain pulled out a gun and held me ransom for long periods of time. Have plans? My brain would idle up lift his shirt and flash his piece like something out of a Spike Lee joint.

Let me just interject and say drugs do fuck all for me, the occasionally make me feel worse. Concentration drips out of me like those Playdough heads that you pushed down until it looked like hair. My memory faded and…..fuck I forgot the analogy I had. So I stopped taking the tablets.

Now this is when the fun started, inside of being a conforming levelled out drug taker, idling along like a extra on Walking Dead. There was much more of a up and down movement. Fuck sometimes I felt great, sometimes it felt like the only option was to hit the ejector button on life. BUT and this is a big BUT for me (and I cannot lie, you other brothers can’t deny) my memory and concentration started coming back, incrementally and I started to get a bit of headspace until I had the willpower to MacGuyver some type of weapon in defence against my brain.

This blog is one defence, write more, it makes my brain work, like a distraction you see in an action movie where the protagonist disarms the henchman before pistol whipping him and making out with the nearest female. And this tactic works for ME. I now have the willpower to push those thoughts away  alot of the time and to piss off Sir Mix-A-Lot I would be LYING by saying it works all the time, but it is significantly easier to deal with.

N.B This is just my story everyone is affected differently and other options will work better for other people. If you are suffering please consult your doctor or reach out to a mental health charity.


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