A rare double post today, well I wanted to write this yesterday but things got in the way and to be completely honest I couldn’t be fucked, not only was I lethargic but the subject matter needed a bit more time to stew in this trashcan I call a brain.DEATH
One of my favourite authors Chuck Palahniuk wrote in Fight Club
“On a long enough time line, the survival rate for everyone drops to zero.”
There used to be the old adage there are two things in life you can’t avoid the taxman and death. We all die, it’s part of life. We can fight it, resist it, prolong it but at some point we give up, exhale into the ether and expire. I wrote earlier about the profound loss I felt about my grandfathers passing. For me I’m not so glowing in my review, I’m a human piece of litter. Carelessly floating by a lot of people occasionally getting picked up but I’m happy just wafting about in the breeze.
Depression does this.
You feel like shit, no one gives and a shit and you’d be better off as a pile of shit decomposing in the ground. Not that I currently welcome death, I’ve just come to accept it that when it happens it happens. I have a previous history with suicidal tendencies, wanting to the big red eject button on life, fuelled by whiskey and stopped by the thought of leaving my mother behind picking up more pieces.
I have hit the bottom of the barrel so to speak on several times, thinking it would be so much easier but it would make things so much harder for other people and at the end of the day suicide is a very selfish activity. But this doesn’t stop my trash receptacle of a cranium still calculating the amount of drugs I would need, how long a piece of rope is required and how heavy the bricks would need to be to stop me floating.
I’ve moved past this now into an alarm system where I know the signs and what works best to stop them. I write in a personal diary chronicling my thoughts, both good and bad. I shower, I run, I do math, anything that’ll knee jerk my brain into doing something else. Surround yourself with friends and family that care and support you. Give them the information about signs and when you want them to step in, I’m a quiet person but this doesn’t mean that if I’m quieter for a little longer is not to be seen as a warning. I could just be tired.
I also take comfort that at some point in the future I will die. Look at it the same way as a holiday or rental car. You’ve got something for a finite period of time, make the fucking most of it.